People Pleasers Are Everywhere
In everyday life, when juggling multiple commitments, in relationships where you’re choosing between a Netflix night and an evening out with old friends, or at work, when you already have a full plate but still take on an extra “favor.” You can probably sense it already: people-pleasing is nearly impossible to sustain because either you let others down by not being able to keep all the promises, or, most often, you let yourself down—you simply can’t make everyone happy without sacrificing yourself in the process. The counter-reaction to this often comes in the form of “Me First!”—the “me, me, me” attitude. Teamwork, however, is something else. So, where’s the right middle ground for being kind? How can this impact your career, and why is it so difficult for so many people to break the habit? Let’s take a closer look.
On Kindness: "Ethics as First Philosophy"
Quite a start, isn’t it? But it will make sense soon. Before diving into excessive kindness, it’s certainly not a bad idea to first consider why we should be kind in the first place. This question has long puzzled philosophy, but Emmanuel Levinas offers one of the more insightful approaches in his essay, Ethics as First Philosophy.
Levinas proposes a connection between recognition and existence. Simply put: “I exist, and I see that there are others who are not me.” According to Levinas, this encounter with the other results in an ethical imperative. Within his concept of the “I,” Levinas attributes a responsibility to one’s own right to exist, in connection with the existence and mortality of the other; the awareness of others becomes one’s own concern. Recognising that you have the potential to hurt others, therefore, also carries the responsibility not to. This respectful behavior should stem intuitively from one’s own being—without expecting a mutual benefit in return. Levinas thus calls for a radical orientation toward others.
The entire essay is quite complex and philosophical, but simply put: the desire not to cause inconvenience to others is a good foundation for kindness and helpfulness. However, it’s important to note that Levinas sees this not as a call to action for kindness, but as an ethical responsibility of care in our actions. A solid theoretical basis to work with!
What Does This Have to Do with People Pleasing?
Levinas provides a useful perspective that could motivate us to treat each other with kindness. Ethics as First Philosophy is clearly a product of Levinas’ own life experiences, and while necessary, philosophy often remains a fascinating theoretical concept that is harder to apply practically. Perhaps you can sense it already: particularly in viewing one’s own existence as a threat to others, there’s a risk of going too far. Kindness should indeed be expressed in our awareness of others, but if the self can only serve others, one risks a certain self-sacrifice—not quite as noble as it might seem, much like people-pleasing itself.
What Exactly Is People Pleasing?
You may already have an idea, but there are subtle nuances. There’s one point on which most sources agree: people-pleasing requires a certain self-sacrificial attitude. In the HBR podcast, Hayley Magee provides a concise definition: “The act of putting others’ needs, feelings, and dreams first at the expense of your own.” This goes beyond conventional kindness, involving active self-sacrifice with corresponding consequences: overworking, conflict avoidance, and “overfunctioning” (compensating for others’ underperformance) are early symptoms of people-pleasing in the workplace.
People Pleasing as Workplace Culture?
The reasons to avoid promoting people-pleasing as a professional prerequisite are abundant, yet this phenomenon persists, as illustrated by Doing Sociology through the example of airline companies. Doing Sociology discusses people-pleasing through the work of Arlie Russell Hochschild, who, in the airline industry context, explores the commercialisation of human emotion—that is, the use of emotional labor to satisfy customers. You might think this is just good service. Fair enough—but without fundamentally disputing this point, Hochschild’s reflections on the relationship between self and emotion in the context of emotional labor are far more relevant here.
It should be clear—and anyone who has worked in customer service will know this feeling—that such professions often require the portrayal or suppression of a different emotion. This approach can result in emotional dissonance and thus psychological fatigue, which can also manifest in one’s private life. Emotional labor, especially in customer-facing roles, is naturally profitable and likely here to stay. No one wants to hear, “Here’s your #%&! risotto—sorry, having a bad day,” at a restaurant.
The issue arises when workplaces cultivate people-pleasing where it isn’t necessarily required, or when we engage in people-pleasing as individuals. As Doing Sociology highlights, people-pleasing is, of course, also a form of emotional labor. The implications are as follows:
The agenda of the commercialisation of emotions could be linked to a stimulus for the tag “people pleaser.” A “people-pleasing” attitude can manifest in signs such as being unable to say no, feeling anxious about others’ opinions or judgments, difficulties in setting boundaries and finding time for oneself, excessive agreeableness, and reduced self-esteem.
Side Effects of People Pleasing
Forbes has already discussed how people-pleasing can harm both individuals and workplaces. Forbes lists the side effects as follows:
These factors contribute to burnout, lack of productivity, and more. Magee notes that workplace people-pleasing often stems not only from personal perfectionism but also from societal pressures. Especially for minorities and people with fewer opportunities to set boundaries or voice dissent, employers must strive to create an environment where all individuals feel equally empowered to communicate their limitations.
Fighting People Pleasing
The crux of the matter: yes, people-pleasing can be a serious issue in organisations and workplace cultures—and it’s worth addressing. Here are some key tips and strategies from Hayley Magee:
People-pleasing is a challenge that navigates the fine line between helping others and sacrificing yourself. Being kind, as a moral responsibility, is something we probably all agree on—Levinas was absolutely right in this regard. But when it comes to the individual’s relationship to the community, it’s essential to remember: you’re a part of it too—and you deserve the same kindness you want to show others, without needing to be a martyr. Taking care of yourself is worth it too. 😊
For Further Reading:
